apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
