Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
