If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
