The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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