saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
