I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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