remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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