Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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