if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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