She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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