You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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