I accidentally had phone sex last night
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
