i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
