Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
