i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
