Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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