you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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