John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
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I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
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TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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