I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
