Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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