If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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