I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
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So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
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He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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