You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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