My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
