quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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