I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
