I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
