and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
