so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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