Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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