Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
