He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My bed smells like the plague
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
