i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
