It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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