I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
