Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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