A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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