my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
