Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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