she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
