Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
