so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
