oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
