mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
