my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
