Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
