Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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