The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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