That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
