Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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