Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
