Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
