i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
