my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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