see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
