I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
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She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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