they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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