just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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