I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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