I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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